and this shall be the new portrait

today is wednesday april 12th.  thats 412. which is the number of my house address growing up, as well as the number of my current work address.

the other day brown water fell from my ceiling. upstairs had a flood in their kitchen. this entertained my cats very much. they were stunned to see something move without any real reason.... i.e. the walls moving as they bulged underneath the layer of dried wall paint to form this misshapen balloon of brown water.

i ate sushi for lunch by myself. and what i was reminded of was... certain things are not good when done alone. sushi is one of those things. it doesn't taste nearly as good if you can't enjoy the complex flavors with someone else... and eat the fish in particular orders with particular ways of approaching the soy+wasabi combination... and how different people eat the ginger.

bike rides are also like this for me. when i was younger kyle walker and i would ride bikes in valley green day after day. sometimes we would head into the city, sometimes to go get food... sometimes to another friends house. sometimes brian driska would join. i always had fun doing these things... but rarely did i enjoy them when alone.

i find however that the more and more people get older... the less of a chance they have to experience situations with others... i, at least am growing socially dormant as i become an adult.

the same concept can be applied to my love of making music. it is such a great thing... but something that can not be done by oneself very well. there are certain piano etudes that obviously necessitate only one player... but most music only gains certain momentum with collaboration or at least interraction. this, however is a difficult thing... because the creation of music is a very important,  very intrapersonal act that depends on others to work properly. however, those very people that can elevate the process of music creation can also bring it down. i've found it very hard to count on people in that sense. i have been let down numerous times with regards to music making... and it is something that i have now become timid of. i want to play music real bad... but i don't want to get emotionally or timely invested in something just to watch it fail again. though music is much more satisfying an art than the visual arts... something about the process being the product and the element of time that makes it so much more real.

likewise, i have realized that, what i seem to do most often, is let people down. i have that proclivity and it is one i constantly battle... but can never seem to avoid. i try very hard to make people happy... in fact... thats all i really like to do... but more often than not, i wind up frustrating or letting people down... in such a degree that i often wonder if people are better off without having met me.  i really try though... and i think that perhaps i am just still new at this game of life and each year i get a little less selfish.... but sometimes seeing someone you care about being let down over and over again just really can make you feel crappy. especially when what youre honestly trying to do is the opposite... though... the dude abides i guess.

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