and this shall be the new portrait

i think this fellow will either terminate me, or i him, in the near future. the decline of the circus surely is proportionate to the wonders of technology... but this bello-bration fool certainly is only hurting matters.

i really love the circus. or rather, did as a child, in fact, my twin sister and i once won a coloring contest in the newspaper wherein the prize was to be a clown in the ringling brothers circus. i really had a wonderful time... but now question how on earth BOTH my sister and i won out of all the children that might or might not have participated in newspaper coloring contests. it all seems a liiiiittle too suspicious.

which reminds me, about the padded room. the padded room you say?... the padded room i say.

let me tell you a story about getting 8 teeth pulled from my mouth. when i was in 6th grade, and about to get metal affixed to my teeth for the next 3 years, a doctor of the mouth told me i needed to first get 8 teeth pulled. were these baby teeth? were they extra full-grown teeth? i don't know... no one ever said.

so as the memory goes, i went one afternoon to the oral surgeon's office and just as he administered the sleeping agent, he started asking me about computers. i remember being slightly annoyed and confused why he was asking me about computers... but soon the happy fog of anesthesia came and i was out.

only to awake mid surgery and feel two people pulling bones out of my mouth. i didn't mind, i rather liked the noise, and i can still remember the feeling of the gause replacing crevices solidified parts of my body used to own.

i soon fell back asleep and awoke a bit later. this time, however, the surgery was finished... no doctor's were around, and i remember being taken to a padded room to sit.  this padded room was a neutral gray, probably 8 foot square and had one small window on an otherwise solid grey door. why i was put in this room didn't matter to me then... it just seemed odd. but sure enough, the walls were padded with little grey pillows from floor to ceiling, and i sat there, in near lightless conditions for at least a half hour.

now though, as i look back, and put together the story... i think something funny was going on. perhaps people were telling me i was about to have oral surgery for braces, and i don't deny that DID in fact occur, i had the holes in my mouth to prove it. but the computer questions, the padded grey room, i wonder if the mouth surgery was just a ploy to get me to go under and allow the brain tinkering to begin.

and finally, it brings me around to the notion that i had quite often as a youth. this notion was that everything i knew to be reality was just a trick. things  that i was supposed to take for fact; things like gravity and animals not talking, humans not being machines... i questioned them all.

i would always hope to turn around real quick or something, and find trees walking towards me, or my dog flying from the roof of my house in an armchair and slippers, or "humans" such as my parents zipping up their human suits to hide there machinery insides.

i have yet to find the big slip up, the goof on the higher powers that have built this entire world just to observe and test me... but i will.

i am not compleeeeetely self-absorbed... i don't think the entire world was build just to trick me... i think there are probably a handful of us who are the proverbial guinea pigs in this existence called the world... someday we are going to have to join forces i think.... someday..... until then, keep acting normal world... and i'll keep my eye on you.

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