and this shall be the new portrait

I develop these ideas for creating something that i believe holds artistic merit... in my head i am able to paint it or play it ever so eloquently. but my attempts become all in vain as i realize my instruments are far inferior than my ideas. i think i should take this as a sign to really need to learn the craft of the art better. i wish it were like the days of yore where one apprenticed for a master and learned skills. i want to learn so much but i hate being shuffled into a group of people all attempting to learn in a large school setting. perhaps i need to get over that stigma that i've mentally developed... but i feel that sometimes institutions can kill individuality. i had a great talk with my brother last night about having an innate aesthetic and embracing it versus taking on adaptive traits of others to form more a conglomerate of an aesthetic. i don't know if these two things are opposites or not. i just know that when i enter a museum or see a live show of a great band... all these ideas rush through my head and i write them down. but later, when i am out of the immediate audience of the art, i can't seem to mentally visualize or place it. i just go back to a poor attempt of mimicking what i found so great, but in a tj aesthetic. i am not sure if i should take this as a sign to stay to my aesthetic, or if i have just failed to give enough time and respect to learning a new craft or at least a new approach to the same craft. i am reading max ernst's "un semaine de bonte". it's pretty amazing. i am really enjoying this warm weather and i look forward to being able to go on my roof with a cup of coffee or a pipe.

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